Married sex is not a death sentence despite the rumors. “You should know that sexual exploration is a lifelong process that doesn’t stop when you get married,” says Cory Silverberg, an AASECT-certified sex educator. In fact, marriage could mark the beginning of a whole new chapter in your sexual adventures. Here are Silverberg’s tips on making married sex exciting:
• Don’t be afraid of sexual ruts.
Let’s face it. There are going to be times when having sex will be difficult – when one of you is under stress, if you have a baby, if one of you just loses a bit of interest in sex for a while for whatever reason, when your in-laws are staying with you. That’s perfectly natural, and it does not mean the end of your marriage. “Sexuality ebbs and flows,” says Silverberg. It’s better to just accept that fact and not get caught up in the fact that you’re in a sexual rut. Don’t buy into society’s rules about what your sex life should be.
• Keep the lines of communication open.
Neither one of you can read minds. Therefore, you have to talk to each other about your likes, dislikes, fears, and concerns. Sex gets better with intimacy, and you can only have intimacy if you speak to one another openly and honestly about anything that is on your mind. Sex talk can really improve your sex life and your marriage.
• Embrace the on-going discovery of each other.
The myth that the mystery is gone simply because you’re married is just that – a myth. You can not possibly know everything about your husband or wife. Talking and having sex with each other will help you learn new things about your spouse’s body and personality.
• Be open to trying new things.
“This does not mean that you get married and have to tie each other up or watch erotic movies,” says Silverberg. He adds you can do that stuff if you’d like. But it’s less important that you try more adventurous things, says Silverberg, then you have a sexual spirit that wants to help your spouse learn new things about your body. The two of you should be working together to define and create a fulfilling sex life for yourselves without worrying about how others define adventurous sex.
• Remember that a sex manual is not a bible.
You can pick up a sex manual or read about sex online if you’re curious. But sexuality is deeply personal. The goal of sex – what you and your husband or wife would like to get out of having sex buddy– is decided by the two of you. The goal will probably change over time, and that’s decided by the two of you as well. No book can make these decisions for you. Only the two of you know what you need, why, when, etc.
• There are no frequency limits or rules.
If you and your partner are happy with having sex once a year, then that is perfectly fine. There is no connection, says Silverberg, between how much sex you have and your sexual happiness and health. Have sex once a year or once a day, whatever pleases the two of you. But if one of you wants more or less sex than the other, then you have to work things out together. It’s common to have different amounts of interest in sex, so don’t make yourself sick with worry about it.
• Keep in mind the benefits of married sex.
Although the benefits can also be drawbacks, consider them. As a married person, you don’t have to be concerned with the possibility of underwater sex. You and your husband or wife have someone with whom to have sex, and it is up to you to make the time for it.
By being with someone you love and trust, you can take your sexual relationship deeper and you are probably less fearful of taking risks. “Even if your husband or wife is freaked out by a sexual desire you’ve shared, he or she is probably not going to run away,” says Silverberg. Indeed, knowing your husband or wife — and his or her body — well can lead to different kinds of touch, the willingness to change sexual positions, and the desire to take more risks in general.